Zakira’s Roses

The newborn baby is essentially a small animal with no socialization. Its primary goal, especially in the newborn stage, is to be kept alive. Therefore, it desires three things: Protection from Predators, Food, and Warmth. All three of these desires can be met by constant attention by the mother. If the mother dares have her own thoughts, talk on the phone, drift into a sleep on her own, clean herself, etc, the baby will start to scream and cry. In the wild, this would call the mother’s attention back to the baby and the infant would not be carried off by rabid wolves (Though, they could take a page from Tarzan’s book… He was raised by wolves and turned out just fine!). In the Urban jungle, the constant crying seems to have the opposite effect, leading mothers like myself to whisper in their baby’s ears “if you don’t give me some peace I’m going to FEED YOU TO THE WOLVES”

This however, like most of what mothers do in the newborn stage, is NOT effective.

To turn you into an instrument of their will and make you obey their every command, newborns employ brainwashing techniques similar to those of enemy armies,. They do this using the following strategies: Deprivation of Sleep, Food, Bathing, and Community; Sound Torture with constantly modulating noise (so many kinds of crying, tuned specifically to their targets’ sensitivities); destruction of self-esteem beginning with physical changes during pregnancy and continued through dumping and spraying of foul-smelling fluids on the target and their person so that the target smells WORSE than the baby and her clothes are NEVER clean; and finally, providing absolutely NO POSITIVE REINFORCEMENT.

The baby also uses chemical warfare in the form of pheromones which she emits when in your presence. These only work on the mother and the effect of this is for mother to become anxious and nervous when not close to her baby, despite the cruel treatment she is receiving. The good news here is that the mother also has this tool at her disposal, and holding baby close to her skin actually produces a longer-lasting imprint on the baby’s brain. Later on, the mother will be allowed more freedom, and baby will begin to want only her…

In fact, in the early brainwashing stage (first 2 months), the baby will only employ one of three communicative techniques: Anger, Misery, and Indifference. However, the baby may be requesting one of the following actions: Pick Me Up, Feed Me, Swaddle Me, I’m too Hot, I’m too Cold, I’m Grumpy, I’m Bored, Put me to Sleep, Cuddle Me, Leave Me Alone, Show me Something Blurry, Show me Something Else You Idiot, Sing, Shut Up, and of course, I’m Wet. That’s 15 possible basic desires to be expressed by 3 possible emotes. The chances of getting this request wrong are VERY HIGH.

By the 6 week time, you are so shellshocked by their brainwashing that even the slightest twitch of indifference, or even the tiniest ‘I just peed’ smile leads to giddy excitement on the part of the parent who thinks finally, ‘I did something right’…. But it’s not over yet. The mother is the most valuable weapon the baby army can have and therefore must be kept dangling longer. Torture continues as the baby deigns to smile at OTHER PEOPLE, offers adorable giggles and laughs to OTHERS, and only when the mother is fully bent to her will, does the baby begin to offer more than screams. (Why the doctor even ASKS about depression has always baffled me… OF COURSE you’re depressed: look what you are GOING THROUGH!!!!)

But take heart, the brainwashing does end! The parents in a desperate attempt to please their captors ultimately develop Stockholm Syndrome and will defend their baby’s life and happiness with every ounce of their being. Once fully broken in mind, spirit, and body, the baby begins to give back some privileges. You will be allowed an extra hour or two of sleep at first. Then allowed to talk on the phone to friends. Every privilege leads to such gratefulness on the part of the parents, and your rewards are these little smiles, more sleep, cleanliness and, eventually, self-esteem. The babies even POO LESS once they’re out of the newborn stage. Formula-fed babies poo only once a day at most, and Breast-Fed babies will often poo only once every two or three days. There’s a reward!!!

During the brainwashing period there is something insidious that occurs. Others who have already been Turned will find themselves drawn to beat you down. Doctors, lactation consultants in ugly denim jumpers, well-meaning strangers, nurses, aunts, mothers and mothers-in-law, and even friends, will suddenly and without warning say things that are coded to mean “you are doing it all wrong”. This only serves the baby’s purposes in making you her slave. DO NOT LISTEN TO THEM. They are not with you in the middle of the night on hour 5 of noise torture!

With my first baby the best thing I ever did was go to bottle feeding. It saved my relationship with her. She was a vicious feeder, leaving me to bleed and get infected and my nipples got stuck to my bra and my scabs would rip and when I fed it felt like hot nails going through my nipples and I cried EVERY TIME. All the instruments of the baby (doctors etc) said “breast is best” and “just wait it will get better” and these were all lies. Finally out of desperation I got bottles and GoodStart and decided that if anyone criticized me for it I would simply burst into tears to make them shut up.

One final note on brainwashing… some men break down a LOT faster than women do. These ones have virtually no tolerance for sleep deprivation, let alone noise torture. Unfortunately, many mothers discover that the newborn period involves caring for not one, but two babies – as both are very miserable in the morning when they didn’t get their sleep, both appear to be only capable of expressing Anger, Misery, and Indifference, and both appear to be only interested in when they can touch your breasts!

How to get through this stage? Remember your secret pheromone weapon. Hold that baby close and let it breathe in your motherness. Even if it is shrieking and screaming, use your secret weapon. You are imprinting her while she exerts her control. This will come in handy later.